It’s holiday season and you know what that means. Lots of drunken office parties, shitty secret santa gifts, and every blogger under the sun posting *ultimate holiday gift guides!* [Insert break for vomiting here.] The few that I’ve compiled are funny, I think, but correct me if I’m wrong. I suppose that it’s just one of those things people do, they share their sponsored suggestions in hopes of helping readers out, and quite possibly, make a commission when readers click. What I take most offense to is how stereotypical and boring so many of them are. Yes, I get it, if you like George Washington, of course you’re going to flip out if someone gives you a miniature Houdon bust. And if you’re a constant fisher, then who wouldn’t want a mechanical singing bass to hang on their wall? Do you see where I’m going with this or do I need to provide another handful of repetitive and demonstrative examples? But do you know which classification I find most assaulting? Gifts for readers. Bookies. Nerds. Dorks. Whatever other pithy names people choose to bestow upon us. I don’t want to see anymore silkscreened totes and t-shirts, fancy tea, notebooks with knitting puns, or anything else of the like. Let me take this moment to tell you that people who like to read are just like everyone else, except maybe a little smarter. We do things that everyone else does: we enjoy pattern play, sleep in, get drunk, clean on Sundays, we don’t clean at all, we eat artisanal food, we eat processed foods, we watch professional sports, and we use cellphones (even the luddites amongst us). With that, here are a bunch of things that people who read might appreciate:
1. This canister is evocative of my favorite hotel’s decor // 2. Year-round garland // 3. Kitschy prints to brighten any space // 4. Who doesn’t want a camel? // 5. Get cozy and quirky // 6. This pillow says it all // 7. LOVE this book and happy it’s been everywhere // 8. Unisex matte accessories for sharing // 9. These are just for show, mom, I promise // 10. I would take this everywhere // 11. Buy some baked goods and show them off // 12. Keep it clean.